Today is a special day. Hard to find the right words, but this day kind of feels like a second birthday. Let’s call it the day that I finally saw the truth.
I honestly believe, that many people are waiting their whole life on this moment, but never get there. This one specific experience, that make their world turn upside down.
May 3rd 2018. That day I received the fundamental statement. Not that I had cancer. Not that it doesn’t looked that good for me. No, the sentence was something like this: „If we can’t fix the upper stagnation within the next three days, you will die from a brain stroke.“
May 3rd 2018.
May 4th 2018.
May 5th 2018.
I forgot what happened after that. At some point my brain just switched off. Later, somebody explained to me, that this is some sort of self-protection to prevent a trauma. So big shout-out to my brain. I wouldn’t be where I am today without your help. (*Oscar speech over*)
But even if I can’t remember the rest of the day, I know that everything was different from that point on. You go through the last few years in super high speed and search for all the things that you regret. The error in the matrix. Suddenly you see all the opportunities that you didn’t use, shining bright and red. Things that you postponed will leave a disgusting sad feeling. The thought of all the moments you will never ever get, makes your throat tie up. You just want to go out and start. Lost potential feels like stones in your stomach.
In that moment I might have decided that I never want to feel like this again.
The day after my diagnosis I posted:
And since that day, not one single day went by without being positive and happy. And I‘m fucking grateful for that.
Let’s be honest. How often do we wake up and whine about the weather, the job, problems with our family, friends or significant other. Be negative and have a bad day.
I don’t do that anymore. You probably think: „Lol yeah sure. How?“
Easy. If you don’t like something, change it. Do something about it and don’t just stand there helplessly.
Of course, it’s hard to influence the weather. But I’ve learned that there is no sense in worrying about situations that you can’t change. It’s in my hands. If something bothers me, I just change it. If I have a problem, I try to find a solution. In interpersonal relationships I became way more communicative. I ask, I talk, I listen. I don’t accept bullshit anymore. I get rid of issues. And even if it doesn’t work, I will always know that at least I tried. There is no „what if“.
Even now with Corona, I try to make the best out of the situation. I’ve got no jobs till September. Iceland got canceled a second time. But chilling at home, being lazy? No way!
And all this time I ask myself why I haven’t been like that before. I see so many people around me that just don’t get it. They give up theirselves each day, step by step. Waste their potential. Skip training, whine about everything, forget about self-care, postpone the learning, their master thesis or paperwork, let too much shit slide and accept being treated unfair.
Sometimes I find myself struggeling with these old habits. But I did learn that it’s worth it to fight. To choose the rocky path and take risks.
The last two years have been the best of my life. God damn, they were so dope! Every (and if I say every, I mean EVERY) goal and dream became reality. Because I worked my fucking ass off. I didn’t sleep, was barely home, had dark circles around the eyes which came straight from hell. I must have looked like a zombie some days. But fuck yeah, I was happy. The jobs that I wanted. The awards that I wanted. The biggest success of my career. One of the Top 260 Action photographers at Red Bull Illume (out of 60k!). Better friendships than before. My dream appartment. Finally my own dog. Felt like I travelled the whole world. Had the best summer of my life. Parties every weekend. Laughed, loved, lived. No more bullshit. Just pure joy and success. Because I wanted it.
And I still want it. You’ll probably still find me at Bonnie Blitz Club at the age of 60, shaking my booty with Juli. I don’t care anymore. I mean, come on, I’m rocking a buzzcut. (sexy, right? :D) And even if you don’t think so, fuck it. Do I look like I care? 😀 If you do what you want and it works out… trust me, that’s the ego boost of the century. And one thing became really important to me: I don’t give a fuck about what people think about me, if I know that I did my best every day. And that I was happy.
Maybe you need to experience the fear of dying, to really understand it. But imagine:
May 3rd 2020.
May 4th 2020.
May 5th 2020.
Then you will be dead.
What would you change now?
What would you regret now?
What would you immediately do now?
And what stopped you before?
Today is May 3rd 2020 and exactly two years ago, I would have loved to know that I will wake up today, healthy, happy and especially cancer-free. But maybe it was better, that I didn’t know.
Cause that taught me, to fight for what is important.
My life and my happiness.
Peace & #fuckcancer,