Finally, the news you have been waiting on: I did beat cancer!
I bitchslapped this fucking thing so many times, it ran away. Fought every day. Over and over again. Cancer did choose the wrong person. Or like a friend said: I didn’t have cancer, cancer had Eva lol stop it.
It’s hard to describe how I’m Feeling. I’m unbelievable happy, grateful, relieved, I feel like I can finally breathe and truly laugh again. But it’s also super hard.
End of February there will be another CT, just to be sure about it. But everything looks pretty normal right now. Since beginning of May I’m in this situation, where I have to realize every day that life is not a given. We all actually do know that. But we never really think about it or make our decisions regarding this fact. You could think it’s something great, that I took this fact in this year. Sometimes it actually is. You are motivated to try new things, reach your goals, get out of your comfort zone. But most of the time you are just super self-critical. Everyday that you didn’t reached your full potential, feels like a wasted day.
I received the good news two weeks ago, but I wasn’t ready to tell everybody. Of course I called the most important people. But after that, I needed time for myself. I always thought, the moment that I would get the good news would change life in a positive way right away. But actually just all the pressure is going away and suddenly you fall in a deep hole. At least that’s what did happen to me. Extrem tiredness, insensibility, no motivation, fears and worries, emotional confusion, isolation, lack of concentration. Adjustment disorders is the Right name for it all. The struggle of getting back to a normal life.
Suddenly no doctor appointments anymore, no treatment. When I had a tumor there where people who took care of me medically. But I’m left alone with my tiredness, depressive thoughts and fears. That’s why I decided to look for help. And I want to be honest about it. It’s nothing you have to be ashamed of. I want to see somebody else who deals with this shit as tough as I did.
There is no way of getting over a cancer Treatment just like that. Life does NOT continue normally. The fear of a relapse will be there every day, for the rest of my life. You are officially healed if cancer doesn’t come back the next five years. Till then: check ups every three months. Always waiting. After the five years there is a higher chance of breast cancer, because of the radiation. And chemotherapy might have caused infertility. I will need to find out later in my life.
I don’t want to be so negative. I’m extremely happy. I just want to explain, that I can’t get back to my old life. You start a new life after cancer. Nothing is the way it was before. Not my body, not my mind.
I grew so much this year. I think everything happens for a reason. That does for sure not mean that any person in this world deserves a diagnose like this. But sometimes you need to learn a lesson the hard way. I made so many new experiences and realizations. I saw another side of myself and the people around me. Made new friends and lost old „friends“ as well. But most of all my mindset changed completely.
I want to be the best version of myself. I know that I can reach every goal, if I really want to. I mean, if I really did beat stage three cancer, then I can do anything in my life. I’m taking more care of myself. Finally figured out a morning routine. I read a lot of books about self-improvement, time management and satisfaction. I have a 5-year-plan that motivates me to grow. I did start meditation. I exchange more with other people. Rather listen to podcasts and learn in the car, than listening to music. I take care of sharing good vibes only. I want to inspire other people. And most of all I want to live my dreams. Without compromises.
All the things and thoughts that I did never know I needed in my life, are now here. Maybe this whole story really gave me something positive.
But what I react really negative to now, are excuses. The reasons healthy people find to not do something are hilarious. If you did almost die, but still worked the whole year and did whatever you wanted to do, you will react super sensible to healthy people wasting their time. Like I said, if you really want something, you will get it. You need to be down to sacrifice. Sacrifice sleep, friends, days off. If you are not ready for this, you don’t really want it. Remember this! You are heathy and you are alive! You can do whatever you want! Stop with these stupid excuses. It’s just in your head. Just do it! You only have one life.
Well, after all this YOLO talk, something I should have done earlier.
There are so many people who got my back. Always asked me how I was doing. Crossed their fingers or prayed for me. I love you all! Without you I wouldn’t have been so strong. And without you I couldn’t continue to be strong.
First of all my parents and my family. If I learned one thing: not a person gets cancer, but a family gets cancer. I think that most of the time it was harder for my mum and dad, than it was for me. But that’s a kind of feeling you will only understand when you become a parent. I hope that I will never be in there situation. However, they gave me more strength and love than possible. Love you for always. You are my heroes!
Thank you to all my friends who were always there for me and listenend to me. Who came to visit me in the hospital (sometimes to annoy me lol) or cheered me up all the other times. Especially Juli, Julia, Julia, Julez (yes, they all have the same name lol), Bina, Yase, Naomi, Vanessa, Minh, Marie, my crew Svibz, Kang, Valeri, Christian, Beckz, Emily, Noah and so many more. You had to listen to so much bullshit. Thank you for always listening to me and sending me back on the right path with your positive words. Without you I would have been lost. Some of you probably don’t even know how much you helped me. I still need to thank so many of you in person. Thank you for being my guardian angels. ❤
And of course thank YOU for always reading this blog. More than 10k clicks and so many people wrote to support me. I also received some emails from people who got a similar diagnosis, who told me I helped them with my positive mindset. It means the world to me if I could actually help somebody out there.
Actually, this blog will continue. I still have some funny stories to tell. Finally I’m in the mood again to write some hilarious blog posts, so better be ready.
Until then, Merry Christmas!
Enjoy life, do your thing, don’t give a fuck about what people say and just live!
Peace & #fuckcancer,