Still Eva

This time I will start with a short life-update:

Some of you did maybe read it on Instagram already, but I would like to explain it again. The tumor did shrink and it seems like the chemo is doing its job pretty good. My doctor made a chest x-ray to get a little overview of what it looks like right now. And he told me that he couldn’t see the tumor anymore. But you have to keep in mind that x-ray/radiograph is not the best way to see stuff like that. They only decided to do it, cause they wanted to minimize the radiation exposure, since I will have my next CT in a few weeks. They already said that on the CT pictures they will probably see some activity of the tumor. But it’s definitely not 14×7,5cm large anymore. I’m still suffering from a little backpain, but they will do a MRT soon to figure out where it comes from. Today I got anti-bodies (Rituximab) and tomorrow I will get the chemo. After that I’ll be done with chemo cycle 5 out of 6. Almost there!

Despite all these good news, I would like to talk about something a bit more serious this time. Something that really makes me sad. It’s about how people start to act differently, just to treat me with care. Sometimes because they worry, sometimes because they don’t know better.

On the internet I did read a lot of stories, about people with cancer and their friends and acquaintances. Many of them suddenly started to treat them completely different. For example: I did read some stories where they didn’t even ask the person anymore if he or she would like to join for a night out. Cause they didn’t know if he or she would be down. „We weren’t sure if you would have been down to join us or if you were tired or whatever.“ THEN WHY DON’T YOU JUST ASK?

I have to admit that I’ve already made similar experiences. While most of the people are really good in handeling this situation, unfortunately there are also some other people who are trying to wrap me up in cotton wool. Really not necessary! They don’t talk to me anymore about their problems and don’t ask me if I’m down to meet them. They will just wait until I’ll contact them, cause they don’t want to „bother“ me.

These people might think, that they are giving me some rest with that behavior, but actually it makes me feel worse. The thought of not being there for my friends when they need me, breaks my heart. And the only reason is because they don’t want to have a good cry on my shoulder, cause I’m dealing with „bigger problems“. I really don’t care if someone is complaining about having a bad day or whatever. If that is his or hers biggest problem and priority, I will be there and listen. There is no sense in comparing your problem with other peoples problems. There will always be a person, that has to deal with more than you. I’m pretty sure that there are millions of humans out there, that are struggeling more than I am right now. You can only look inside your own heart and see what you are suffering from. And that’s not comparable to anyone else. You have no idea how many times I hear sentences starting with: „Oh, I really don’t want to complain. You have so much more to deal with.“ or „You are way more important. My problems don’t matter!“ NO! THEY DO!

Think about this: Sometimes fighting this disease takes years! Now imagine if your friends wouldn’t talk to you about their problems all this time. You wouldn’t know about their sickness, problems at work or in their relationship, fights with their parents, worries or fears. Even though you care, they won’t say a word. Because they don’t want to stress you. Do you really think that after all this time you will still have the same connection?

I personally think that one-sided friendships are horrible. It doesn’t matter how bad I’m feeling, I will always be there for my friends. No matter what happens. To me that’s the most important thing in a relationship and everybody who knows me, should know that. Not even cancer changed that. I’m still Eva. Maybe with a little less hair and a little more need to sleep. But still Eva. Realizing that I did already miss out on some things, is driving me crazy. It feels like you don’t really know anymore, what is actually going on in your friends lives. You kind of feel excluded. Even if that wasn’t the peoples intention, it’s exactly the feeling that will come with this behavior. Of course, during the first couple weeks I needed some time for myself to realize and accept everything. But now I came back to reality and normality. I don’t like when people are making decisions for me. It really hurts, that friends think something could ever stop me from helping them.

If you are not sure if I’m strong enough to listen to your problems, you could just ask me. „Hey Eva, I would like to tell you something. Is that alright?“ But to act as guardian for me, takes away the normality in my life. It relieves me of the responsibility to make my own decisions and kind of takes away some freedom. Maybe it would be a good distraction to not always think about my own problems. But it really hurts to find out that your friends were hiding their problems and did act happy all the time. It feels like these friendships are one way roads. People are listening to you and try their best to cheer you up, but in the end they exclude you from their lives.

Unfortunately this is also happening job-wise. Sadly I had to experience, that I wasn’t asked for jobs, just because they didn’t know if I was fit enough. Since they didn’t ask me, I couldn’t tell them that I’m feeling good and would have loved to work like I always did. There were even jobs cancelled, just because I have cancer. Even though I assured that I’m okay, they were looking for a replacement. But in the end I am the only person who can tell if my body is strong enough to do something or not. And do you really think that I would work all day long and risk my health or even my life, just for some money? If I wouldn’t be fit enough, I would be honest and tell you.

The things people do, to be nice and treat me with care, finally take away a big part of my normality, which is the most important thing to me right now. I need it to get healthy and stay positive. The distraction that I get from my job and my daily routine, is my gas. My fuel.

So please ask me if you are not sure! Talk to me! Speak about your problems, like you always did! Just because I’m sick, doesn’t mean that I want to sit at home 24/7 and don’t give a f*ck about anything. It’s quite the contrary. I realized that this life cannot be taken for granted. This disease could affect anyone of you at anytime. And if this happens, I don’t want to regret that I failed to be there for you.

Peace and #fuckcancer,